FORGIVENESS – Was something that was very difficult for me, once upon a time. I used to feel that by doing so, I was being perceived as being soft, weak, or simply a doormat😒. See, experience brings wisdom. At the very least? You’re going to learn something wether you want to or not, lol. Come with me, as I give you a glimpse into my world, 20 something odd years ago…
I was disgusted with people telling me to forgive because it was better for me 🙄. I was like, nope! I’m going to hold onto this grudge, anger, pain, chaos, and abusive residuals until I die! I will NEVER forgive those that have caused me unfair, unnecessary, & unwarranted hell. Leave me with my badges of pain😡
Well yes, looking back, that makes no sense. However, when you’re deep in the trenches of shit? Everything stinks! If there’s an air freshening of thoughts every now & then, it sure doesn’t last long. There was simply too much shit around to see any way out.
It wasn’t until I was so full of anger, pain, resentment & hatred, that I had to simply stop. Because just as I had spoken, it was killing me🥵. I had stopped smiling, angry and pissed off most of the time, walking in public with my head hung low; never meeting the gazes of others, having panic & anxiety attacks, for I couldn’t trust ANYONE, so going out in public became overwhelming. I suddenly started doing whatever I could, finding whatever reasons or excuses, to not go outside anymore. My home was the only safe place. I couldn’t keep a decent relationship because I chose indecent individuals to be with. I wasn’t a bad Mother, but I wasn’t all that great either. I was stuck & lost in pain, physically, emotionally, psychologically, and in an environment that fed & supported this. I taught my children how to be afraid to deal with life. I finally found a way to beat myself up some more, shutting myself off from the world, as best as I could. I was lost in the chaos, within myself. Confused & wanting to be left alone, yet lonely as heck. But why should I forgive anyone? I was the victim here dammit!
Nothing made sense anymore as I was suffering from a nervous breakdown & didn’t even know it at the time. My brain was having issues dealing with the trauma, that it was trained to ignore. I wasn’t a Saint, but I didn’t hurt people unless it was in self defense or defending of others. But I was really hyper-sensitive to what people said & thought of me, but no one ever knew 😶.
Then one day after years of pain, losses, and sacrifices, it hit me! “FORGIVE.” Before I could fully do this, I went looking for answers. I found that those who wronged me, were suffering within themselves, far worse than I, turning them into inhumane individuals. Many haven’t been able to accept my forgiveness. I’ve experienced people becoming angry & hostile towards me because I forgave them. “WoW!” 😮. But it’s also those types of reactions that confirm their madness, within the hell they’re in. Forgiveness? It freed me from that, them and the pain that came along with the entire bundle of garbage.
I learned that forgiving someone, ain’t got shit to do with the other person 😂🤣😅. It’s one of the most healthy & selfish things a person can do for themselves. Because it’s about releasing all that crap & letting go of what isn’t serving your existence. I also learned not to expect an apology or anything from the individual(s) that you’re forgiving. Because many people don’t overstand it, don’t want to accept responsibility for their actions; need others to blame, have difficulty facing the negativity within themselves that they spew on others, you name it 😏. Forgiveness for me, was a complete overstanding of the damages done to & by humanity, every day. Either it will make you stronger, turn you into an evil beast, break you or damage & kill you. Then there’s finding that Yin & Yang
equaling an even balance of it all. Forgiveness helps me find that inner balance. This enables me to change, elevate, enlighten, loving myself, others & life even more.
So if you have gotten this far in my mini novel? Lol!…Baby? “FORGIVE.”
“Namastè & One Love”❤️💛💚
By, Maxwanette A Poetess